Abraham Lincoln travelled through time this morning to make an appearance at Stanford. It seems that President Lincoln has become quite a fan of college football, watching televised games by virtue of a hole in the space-time continuum and a magic box he keeps in his office. (It should be noted, however, that not even this cosmic phenomenon is powerful enough to allow him access to the Pac-12 Networks, and Honest Abe is angry about this.) Anyway, after enjoying a quick tour of the Stanford Football facilities, Mr. Lincoln gave me a few minutes of his infinite time, and we talked some football while slowly walking through the stadium.
GMC:
So how did you come to be such a college football fan? Did the sport even exist during your time?
Lincoln:
I think that's why I love it so much. There was nothing like it at all back then. Hoop racing, frog jumping, seed spitting... that was about it. But football... nowhere had I experienced such a powerful expression of what I see to be the American spirit. Two mighty forces pitted against one another in a struggle which ebbs and flows like two great armies met on the battlefield.
GMC:
So it's the drama that draws you to the game?
Lincoln:
No, it's McCaffrey.
GMC:
Mr. President?
Lincoln:
Your young Christian McCaffrey, who performs on this very field! He is the finest specimen of youthful energy that I've ever seen! Clearly the greatest in the sport. I'm sure that his arms must be filled with awards and commendations for all that he does here.
GMC:
Well, he didn't win the Heisman Trophy this year.
Lincoln:
What is this Heisman Trophy that you speak of?
GMC:
Each year the Heisman is given to the best player in college football, but McCaffrey finished second. Stanford players always finish second.
Lincoln:
No player from this institution has ever won this Heisman Trophy? Not once?
GMC:
Forty-six years ago. Jim Plunkett. But since then John Elway, Toby Gerhart, Andrew Luck, and now McCaffrey have all finished second during years when they probably should've won. Some say it's a conspiracy.
Lincoln:
Conspiracy! I know something of conspiracies. We must put a stop to this! Hold this ground. I shall return in a quarter of an hour and do my part to make this right. Gather your scribes.
In fifteen minutes, Mr. Lincoln strode forth to the fifty yard line, unfolded a piece of parchment he took from his pocket, cleared his throat, and addressed a small crowd.
Two score and six years ago, our fathers came forth to these stands, to watch a new player, dressed in Cardinal, and dedicated to the proposition that a Stanford football player could win the Heisman Trophy.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war between the SEC and the rest of the nation, testing whether that Trophy, or any trophy so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great football field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for the careers of those past Stanford players who gave their all that they might grasp the Heisman Trophy. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate -- we cannot consecrate -- we cannot hallow -- this ground. The brave players, active and retired, who played here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The college football world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the fans, rather, to be dedicated here to the unrecognized work which they who played here have thus far nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored Heisman finalists we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these finalists shall not have been outvoted in vain -- that this Nerd Nation, under David Shaw, shall have a new Heisman Trophy winner, Christian McCaffrey -- and that football of the Cardinal, by the Cardinal, and for the Cardinal, shall not perish from the earth.
Abraham Lincoln
July 4, 2016
